Let's all agree that being busy is no longer cool. We can do that ya know. Lets put to rest the idea that we all have to be perfect and attain this perfect image of wife, mother and family. As women we neglect ourselves in many different ways. I honestly don't know one single Mom who doesn't put her needs on the back burner at all costs. And that's sad.
I am in no way saying that we shouldn't put our families needs first. When the family..working as individuals towards the common good put the whole first..then that happens anyway. Let's be honest though..they rarely do and it rarely does. Most of the time it falls on the shoulders of the family Super Hero...Mom.
I'm a mother to four absolutely wonderful kids. I bathe them, clothe them, feed them, drive them, clean after them......You get it. I have gone without new clothes and shoes for longer than I care to share out of embarrassment......even though we could afford it..because of that awful thing called Mommy guilt. First..if we're going to be happy...lets all agree to put that mess to rest. No more Mommy Guilt! If your children have their needs met....and a new toy or the new line of Mud Pie or Matilda Jane is not a NEED....then buy yourself shoes! Or pants...or a new dress...and if you're not quite in the budget for clothes then buy some new nail polish!
Secondly...Lets stop lying to ourselves that we have no time for US. Put your kids on a schedule! It might take a month to get it down but it's so worth it! My kids lay down at 7:30. They get an hour of TV and then they're asleep by 9. I use that time to stretch...workout...watch TV...answer emails...Whatever :) If you don't have time right now...sit down and make it! Nothing beats 30 minutes of silence with your own thoughts.
Third...Eat right and move your butt. You CAN afford to eat better and you should. If you don't take care of yourself now you'll end up having to have someone take care of you later. Bad habits lead to disease and poor health. That's just the truth and nothing more. I am currently trying to love myself better in this aspect and it's working! A 20 minute walk after you drop the kids off....a 30 minute workout video...Yoga...Pilates....even if it's just 100 jumping jacks a day..Move. The more you take care of you the more you'll love you.
Four...Use good shampoo. Really. It's that simple. It's a small luxury, very small. But when you only have time to fix your hair, make it count. And who doesn't love a gorgeous main!
Five..Be gentle with yourself. Every one makes mistakes. Every one has bad days. Be gentle. Don't rush yourself. Don't stress yourself. I know that sounds cheesy..but really, take a few minutes to breath. You're not on anyone's clock but Gods. The world won't end if you're 5 minutes late. And the "worst that could happen" seldom does.
Six ..Just smile...even if you don't feel like it...even if it's just at yourself in thee mirror.
Seven...Do things that make you happy. Get a sitter and go see a movie. Read. Listen to 90's music as you dance in your socks. Let loose you wild thing!
Eight..Drink water like it's your job. It makes your brain work. :) AND makes you feel loads better.
Nine..less social media more face to face interaction :)
TEN...Wake up every day and start Thanking God. Be so grateful! For your blanket, your floor, your hair, your tooth paste, your fridge, your spouse, your food, your coffee, your couch, your car, your kids teachers, the radio.....You can't be in a bad mood when your feeling grateful!
Holding Down Hazard. Crafting, parenting 4 kids and juggling life's CRAZIES!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
So...your kid hates church..?
This may come across controversial...but..hey..it's my blog :)
I was talking to a lady after the baptism of her 30 year old son. She said "I used to drag him to church EVERY Sunday morning! Even when he said he hated it...I MADE him go anyway!" She was so proud of this! THAT made her feel accomplished. All I heard was that her son had been in church that long and is just getting saved and having a relationship with God at age 30!! That her son obviously hated church as a child. Don't get me wrong...we all find our Journey at different times. But....why? Why did it take a man raised by a Godly family this long? Why did he hate church?
THANK GOD he opened my eyes. You see...my relationship with God is the MOST important relationship I have. It's the most important relationship ANY of us should have. So..how does this pertain to kids hating church? I'm getting to that...just taking the long way round.
When I was growing up church was what you did to get into Heaven. It was where they talked about dead people, the guy who made everything and talked about bad people. You HAD to go. You HAD to remember the Bible verse for the week. You HAD to wear uncomfortable "church clothes" and above all else you HAD to behave. That's a tall order for a child. To sit and listen to people go on and on ....reciting verses from a King James version Bible (Not hating but no one talks like that and God hears you prayers even when you don't say "Thine" and "Thou" ;) )......It wasn't relevant to me. It wasn't relevant to my life. Yeah...those stories were true...but they meant NOTHING to me. How did me hearing about some guy in a whale make me a better person or get me into Heaven. I was obviously really way out in left field and lacking guidance. Most importantly..lacking his presence.
And sadly...I hated going to church. When I got old enough to read my Bible..the God I read about wasn't the one i'd heard about all those years! Don't go and say that I bashed the church I grew up in and the people in it....I'm not. I love them..but I honestly think they, like many others got caught up in the religious "rules" and ritual...and drifted from the church's real purpose.
And once I got old enough to not be physically dragged...I didn't go. I had no more relationship with God other than the occasional prayer to take away a bad hangover (yeah, I used to do that)...or a prayer to make something go in my favor. Basically I grew up on a pew and had no real relationship with God.
But that wasn't my parents fault...right? I mean...they MADE me go. I was there! I knew all the hymns! I knew the stories! But those stories weren't about me. They were history.
And don't go say i'm blaming my parents! While it is a parents responsibility to help their child develop a relationship with God....mine..like many others...took the approach their parents took.
BUT WHAT IF WE DIDN'T!
If your child hates going to church.....ask why? Really take note....sit in on their lessons. Church should be refreshing! It should be.. IS SUPPOSED TO BE enjoyable! Loving! An uplifting experience. A place where we develop relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Where we build family and a community around our kids. So that when they look around they not only see people they chat about the weather with twice a week....NO....but bonds. People who love them, lift them up. AND most importantly people they can actually SEE having a relationship with God.
Don't go thinking i'm telling you to leave your church and find a new one...I'M NOT! But if your church is lacking a childrens program that shows your kids that the Bible isn't a history book but that its about them too....then maybe you could start one. A wise guy once told me "If you've got the burden..you've got the job!". Aaron McReynolds book "The Fabulous Reinvention of Sunday School" is a GREAT resource to start with.
If your church has a GOOD childrens program....dig deeper...your child might be dealing with a bully....or maybe theres a personality conflict between your child and one of the Sunday school teachers.
Maybe your kids just not a morning person! See if your church offers a later service.
And, sadly, I am aware that not everyone has been blessed with an awesome church experience. Not everyone has been to a church where they, themselves, feel loved and accepted as they are, where they are. First, i'm so sorry that has happened to you. Not all churches are like that. Don't stop going and seek until you find a church that you feel at home at. And then get plugged in. Find ways to get you and your family involved. A church isn't just a place to go a couple times a week. Its a group of people who love you, and you should do life together WITH your church. Don't think of it as a building...but a family. When you do life together, you not only surround yourself with people who live their life through him...but your kids as well. People who hold you accountable. People who pray with you through the rough times and rejoice with you in the good. Church, done the way it was meant, is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL thing. :)
There's nothing more important than your relationship to God......and it's our responsibility as parents to help our kids develop a relationship with him. Do whatever it takes! Even if it means taking yourself out of your comfort zone. Besides, that's where growth comes from. Nothing is more important. Of all the places kids hate to go..the doctor, the dentist... Your kids should NEVER hate church. Those words falling from my little ones lips would crush my heart. I hope my ramblings have helped someone somewhere. Pray on it.
I was talking to a lady after the baptism of her 30 year old son. She said "I used to drag him to church EVERY Sunday morning! Even when he said he hated it...I MADE him go anyway!" She was so proud of this! THAT made her feel accomplished. All I heard was that her son had been in church that long and is just getting saved and having a relationship with God at age 30!! That her son obviously hated church as a child. Don't get me wrong...we all find our Journey at different times. But....why? Why did it take a man raised by a Godly family this long? Why did he hate church?
THANK GOD he opened my eyes. You see...my relationship with God is the MOST important relationship I have. It's the most important relationship ANY of us should have. So..how does this pertain to kids hating church? I'm getting to that...just taking the long way round.
When I was growing up church was what you did to get into Heaven. It was where they talked about dead people, the guy who made everything and talked about bad people. You HAD to go. You HAD to remember the Bible verse for the week. You HAD to wear uncomfortable "church clothes" and above all else you HAD to behave. That's a tall order for a child. To sit and listen to people go on and on ....reciting verses from a King James version Bible (Not hating but no one talks like that and God hears you prayers even when you don't say "Thine" and "Thou" ;) )......It wasn't relevant to me. It wasn't relevant to my life. Yeah...those stories were true...but they meant NOTHING to me. How did me hearing about some guy in a whale make me a better person or get me into Heaven. I was obviously really way out in left field and lacking guidance. Most importantly..lacking his presence.
And sadly...I hated going to church. When I got old enough to read my Bible..the God I read about wasn't the one i'd heard about all those years! Don't go and say that I bashed the church I grew up in and the people in it....I'm not. I love them..but I honestly think they, like many others got caught up in the religious "rules" and ritual...and drifted from the church's real purpose.
And once I got old enough to not be physically dragged...I didn't go. I had no more relationship with God other than the occasional prayer to take away a bad hangover (yeah, I used to do that)...or a prayer to make something go in my favor. Basically I grew up on a pew and had no real relationship with God.
But that wasn't my parents fault...right? I mean...they MADE me go. I was there! I knew all the hymns! I knew the stories! But those stories weren't about me. They were history.
And don't go say i'm blaming my parents! While it is a parents responsibility to help their child develop a relationship with God....mine..like many others...took the approach their parents took.
BUT WHAT IF WE DIDN'T!
If your child hates going to church.....ask why? Really take note....sit in on their lessons. Church should be refreshing! It should be.. IS SUPPOSED TO BE enjoyable! Loving! An uplifting experience. A place where we develop relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Where we build family and a community around our kids. So that when they look around they not only see people they chat about the weather with twice a week....NO....but bonds. People who love them, lift them up. AND most importantly people they can actually SEE having a relationship with God.
Don't go thinking i'm telling you to leave your church and find a new one...I'M NOT! But if your church is lacking a childrens program that shows your kids that the Bible isn't a history book but that its about them too....then maybe you could start one. A wise guy once told me "If you've got the burden..you've got the job!". Aaron McReynolds book "The Fabulous Reinvention of Sunday School" is a GREAT resource to start with.
If your church has a GOOD childrens program....dig deeper...your child might be dealing with a bully....or maybe theres a personality conflict between your child and one of the Sunday school teachers.
Maybe your kids just not a morning person! See if your church offers a later service.
And, sadly, I am aware that not everyone has been blessed with an awesome church experience. Not everyone has been to a church where they, themselves, feel loved and accepted as they are, where they are. First, i'm so sorry that has happened to you. Not all churches are like that. Don't stop going and seek until you find a church that you feel at home at. And then get plugged in. Find ways to get you and your family involved. A church isn't just a place to go a couple times a week. Its a group of people who love you, and you should do life together WITH your church. Don't think of it as a building...but a family. When you do life together, you not only surround yourself with people who live their life through him...but your kids as well. People who hold you accountable. People who pray with you through the rough times and rejoice with you in the good. Church, done the way it was meant, is a beautiful BEAUTIFUL thing. :)
There's nothing more important than your relationship to God......and it's our responsibility as parents to help our kids develop a relationship with him. Do whatever it takes! Even if it means taking yourself out of your comfort zone. Besides, that's where growth comes from. Nothing is more important. Of all the places kids hate to go..the doctor, the dentist... Your kids should NEVER hate church. Those words falling from my little ones lips would crush my heart. I hope my ramblings have helped someone somewhere. Pray on it.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Daughters.
My baby girl is beautiful. In fact when I first laid eyes on her she was the most beautiful creature i'd ever seen. She's a sweet soul with a golden core. And with 3 boys ..she's everything right in the world. Our corner of pink in a house of blue.
I fear for her. A lot. Actually that's a gross understatement. In a world of Mileys and Brittanys it's really hard to show..and better yet make a girl believe that she's special, beautiful, enough. It's hard to make a girl believe that she should be nothing like what society and the media depicts a woman to be.
I used to think it was a teenager issue. That I had years before I had to worry about these things. But all it takes is one stroll down the Barbie aisle or a trip into a certain "childrens" clothing store and you see it's a RIGHT NOW worry. Scantily clad dolls.....clothes that barely cover bootys. What are we trying to tell our girls? What are we showing them? And you look at the media....there are no role models....not good ones anyway. Not even Disney is a "safe" area.
I'm not saying I want Natalie to grow up ashamed of her body...NO...the opposite really. I want her to be so proud and comfortable in her own skin that she understands that she's beautiful enough without having to wear a dress to her crack and a top cut to her navel to appease anyone. I want her to rejoice in her beauty...to know deep down that she's the most gorgeous creature. To see herself as God does. As myself and her father does. So when she's in high school and her crush decides to go to prom with a girl that doesn't have the same self confidence.....and sadly..may well..shows too much skin..she will know it's because there's something wrong with him. Not her. And she'll move on ...happily!
I want her to see that being humble is a beautiful quality to have. That being boastful and cocky about anything other than Gods love for her is stupid. And more....ugly. To know that she's more than whats on her sleeve. I am saddened DAILY...mostly on FB..by mothers who constantly make a fuss over the brand their daughter has on her back. Whether they realize it or not you're telling your beautiful daughter she's nothing more than whats on her back. Nothing more than material things. I want her to be so confident in herself and the beauty within her that she radiates it...even in sweats ...or covered in mud.
I want so bad for her to know...and I mean REALLY know that she doesn't have to take trashy selfies on social media sites to get attention. No arched backs.....not butt sticking out...NO duck faces. That her beautiful smile is enough. And if she has to be a picture hound like her Momma to make it pictures of her dirty, playing soccer. Or gardening with her Dad....or playing with her little brothers. THOSE are the things that represent her.
And for her to know that when I tell her this next thing....and it's HUGE..that her Momma isn't making it up. Ready for it.....GOOD boys/men don't like those things either. They really don't. When picturing their wife and the mother of their future children..they're not picturing her half naked taking shots dancing on a table. Nope. And while those types might be popular with the high school caliber BOY......not so much a few years later when it's marriage talk. To know that she's too precious ...too beautiful not to wait for the one God made for her. I just want to raise a God girl in a Miley world. And I honestly think if more Moms and Dads said "NO" to sexing up our little girls....NO to pageants (YES, i'm anti-pageants)...NO to the horrible messages in a lot of todays mainstream music....NO to the awful smut they're peddling as entertainment....Just NO to making these babies grow up faster. And a YES to nurturing their innocence...their hearts..to being involved and reassuring them that being a good girl is not something to be ashamed of. AND to raising men who recognize that.
I fear for her. A lot. Actually that's a gross understatement. In a world of Mileys and Brittanys it's really hard to show..and better yet make a girl believe that she's special, beautiful, enough. It's hard to make a girl believe that she should be nothing like what society and the media depicts a woman to be.
I used to think it was a teenager issue. That I had years before I had to worry about these things. But all it takes is one stroll down the Barbie aisle or a trip into a certain "childrens" clothing store and you see it's a RIGHT NOW worry. Scantily clad dolls.....clothes that barely cover bootys. What are we trying to tell our girls? What are we showing them? And you look at the media....there are no role models....not good ones anyway. Not even Disney is a "safe" area.
I'm not saying I want Natalie to grow up ashamed of her body...NO...the opposite really. I want her to be so proud and comfortable in her own skin that she understands that she's beautiful enough without having to wear a dress to her crack and a top cut to her navel to appease anyone. I want her to rejoice in her beauty...to know deep down that she's the most gorgeous creature. To see herself as God does. As myself and her father does. So when she's in high school and her crush decides to go to prom with a girl that doesn't have the same self confidence.....and sadly..may well..shows too much skin..she will know it's because there's something wrong with him. Not her. And she'll move on ...happily!
I want her to see that being humble is a beautiful quality to have. That being boastful and cocky about anything other than Gods love for her is stupid. And more....ugly. To know that she's more than whats on her sleeve. I am saddened DAILY...mostly on FB..by mothers who constantly make a fuss over the brand their daughter has on her back. Whether they realize it or not you're telling your beautiful daughter she's nothing more than whats on her back. Nothing more than material things. I want her to be so confident in herself and the beauty within her that she radiates it...even in sweats ...or covered in mud.
I want so bad for her to know...and I mean REALLY know that she doesn't have to take trashy selfies on social media sites to get attention. No arched backs.....not butt sticking out...NO duck faces. That her beautiful smile is enough. And if she has to be a picture hound like her Momma to make it pictures of her dirty, playing soccer. Or gardening with her Dad....or playing with her little brothers. THOSE are the things that represent her.
And for her to know that when I tell her this next thing....and it's HUGE..that her Momma isn't making it up. Ready for it.....GOOD boys/men don't like those things either. They really don't. When picturing their wife and the mother of their future children..they're not picturing her half naked taking shots dancing on a table. Nope. And while those types might be popular with the high school caliber BOY......not so much a few years later when it's marriage talk. To know that she's too precious ...too beautiful not to wait for the one God made for her. I just want to raise a God girl in a Miley world. And I honestly think if more Moms and Dads said "NO" to sexing up our little girls....NO to pageants (YES, i'm anti-pageants)...NO to the horrible messages in a lot of todays mainstream music....NO to the awful smut they're peddling as entertainment....Just NO to making these babies grow up faster. And a YES to nurturing their innocence...their hearts..to being involved and reassuring them that being a good girl is not something to be ashamed of. AND to raising men who recognize that.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
New town, New perspectives. ;)
I haven't given this thing NEARLY enough love in the past...I dunno..8 months. While many times I've thought..hmm...I should really blog about that. But friends, I've been busy! We moved! And not out of state! Ashland, KY! We're loving being so close to Harlow's job and having the kids in such a good school. The move was hard though!
See, when you're ALL about Jesus, worship and church...moving away from your church is soooo painful. We love that church...the people...the building is nice..but...it's the church we miss. I don't know how your perspective of church is...but for us...we NEED it. We need that support...that group of love to hold us accountable...pick us up when we fall...love us back. And for us,the best way to describe it is...well..like a drug! We're in a funk without it! We look forward to Sundays ALL week. I'm not saying we don't feed ourselves daily in God's word...we do.... but there's just something about being with your family. God intended it that way.
ANYWAY..while looking for a place here we were asking everyone....."SO....ugh...where do you go to church?". Not in a creepy.."Lemme' ugh tell ya ugh about JESUS!" kind of way...but in a ...HELP US find a new home kind of way. In a way that only God can, he led us to an amazing church here, Southside Church of the Nazarene. We're right at home here.
Which brings us to my current revelation....At revival....again, in a way only God can...he helped me realize i'm not a very good Mom! I mean...my kids are clean...they're fed....alive...and LOVED! But I had been missing something huge. An actual friendship with my kids. Not as in we dress alike and I wanna be their best friend..rules go out the window kind of way. NO! But in a way that there's just not enough conversation. I ask the daily "How was your day?"'s and the "What did you do?"'s.....but I don't think I was really listening. And I think my kids knew that. I wasn't spending my days in the floor playing and helping them grow. Nope, I was cleaning and cooking and trying to make life easier....breezier. As in lets just get this day done so I can sleep! I am always tired....I am always busy. But why? Then it hit me.....i'm cleaning and breezing right through their childhood! In trying to make their life and my life easier I am completely MISSING OUT on their life! I won't get another chance at tea parties and Barbies! I won't get another chance at being Robin to my Westons Batman. And while I KNEW this. I really did! I don't think I really thought it applied to me. I mean..I READ to my kids! I tuck them in! I take CARE of them! I've decided that's just not enough. You following me?
I will, from now, let my kids go wherever they want dress as a super hero if they so choose. I will REALLY go in depth about how their day went! I will say "YES" to any "Can I help?"...even if it adds an hour to whatever i'm doing. I will play in the floor for hours with my toddlers! I will help my kids total wreck my living room to make a "tent". I no longer want to PROVIDE memories....I want to BE those memories. I want them to be able to look to me for my counsel when they get older instead of turning to their friends and to ..WORSE..TV. (TV is a whole other post! :) )
See, when you're ALL about Jesus, worship and church...moving away from your church is soooo painful. We love that church...the people...the building is nice..but...it's the church we miss. I don't know how your perspective of church is...but for us...we NEED it. We need that support...that group of love to hold us accountable...pick us up when we fall...love us back. And for us,the best way to describe it is...well..like a drug! We're in a funk without it! We look forward to Sundays ALL week. I'm not saying we don't feed ourselves daily in God's word...we do.... but there's just something about being with your family. God intended it that way.
ANYWAY..while looking for a place here we were asking everyone....."SO....ugh...where do you go to church?". Not in a creepy.."Lemme' ugh tell ya ugh about JESUS!" kind of way...but in a ...HELP US find a new home kind of way. In a way that only God can, he led us to an amazing church here, Southside Church of the Nazarene. We're right at home here.
Which brings us to my current revelation....At revival....again, in a way only God can...he helped me realize i'm not a very good Mom! I mean...my kids are clean...they're fed....alive...and LOVED! But I had been missing something huge. An actual friendship with my kids. Not as in we dress alike and I wanna be their best friend..rules go out the window kind of way. NO! But in a way that there's just not enough conversation. I ask the daily "How was your day?"'s and the "What did you do?"'s.....but I don't think I was really listening. And I think my kids knew that. I wasn't spending my days in the floor playing and helping them grow. Nope, I was cleaning and cooking and trying to make life easier....breezier. As in lets just get this day done so I can sleep! I am always tired....I am always busy. But why? Then it hit me.....i'm cleaning and breezing right through their childhood! In trying to make their life and my life easier I am completely MISSING OUT on their life! I won't get another chance at tea parties and Barbies! I won't get another chance at being Robin to my Westons Batman. And while I KNEW this. I really did! I don't think I really thought it applied to me. I mean..I READ to my kids! I tuck them in! I take CARE of them! I've decided that's just not enough. You following me?
I will, from now, let my kids go wherever they want dress as a super hero if they so choose. I will REALLY go in depth about how their day went! I will say "YES" to any "Can I help?"...even if it adds an hour to whatever i'm doing. I will play in the floor for hours with my toddlers! I will help my kids total wreck my living room to make a "tent". I no longer want to PROVIDE memories....I want to BE those memories. I want them to be able to look to me for my counsel when they get older instead of turning to their friends and to ..WORSE..TV. (TV is a whole other post! :) )
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Why your relationship is failing.
Maybe...LOL. Lots of times it's due to one of these reasons. Happy relationships are not complicated! I'm not going to say theyre easy...but like most things that sound difficult, they're simple. I'm by no means claiming to be an expert at happy relationships. I've been married almost 8 years, happily, to the same man. Thats not long compared to some of my readers. But these are the things I have figured out and i'm putting them out there in hopes that they DO help someone. If it makes sense to you..keep it! If not, thanks for reading. This is not a "12 steps to happiness" or anything that complex...i'll just get started..
1.) DON'T POUT!
Pouting is for toddlers..there..I said it. Puffing up and pouting over something not going your way isn't helping anyone. It just makes you look silly and it SCREAMS "beg to me". No one wants to beg...your significant other is not a dog. And they are not your parent. Instead, openly discuss what has you hurt. In a non confrontational way.
2.) Put your spouse first!
I know you love your children. I love mine too. But they will grow up, get married and leave you to pursue their own families. And do you know who you'll be stuck with....thats right..your spouse. This goes into a whole slew of things...don't sleep with your kids. It's fine when theyre small..but don't put your husband out of HIS bed ladies. Come on now. Your bed should be your sanctuary..the place the two of you go to be close, intimate. Keep it sacred.
Don't neglect the others needs. When you start putting the other person first eventually they catch on. And what happens when both parties are putting the other persons needs before their own is selfless love and attention. And it's a beautiful thing. It doesnt happen over night. it does take practice and has to be MADE as a habit. It's natural for us to put our needs and our childrens needs first. But when you finally get the hang of it...it's amazing.
3.) Don't go to bed angry!
I know you've heard it! It's in the Bible. But there is some sense in the saying. No one wants to sleep with their backs to each other...and both of you are hurting. And God forbid something happen during the night that would prevent you from EVER speaking the words you know you need to. Just say you're sorry...even when you feel you're not wrong. Apologize for making THEM feel bad. Because you did. Even if you didn't mean to....even if it wasn't your intention, apologize.
4.)TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS!
I hate hearing people say "I try to make him/her happy"...geesh! That is a HUGE burden! To be responsible for someones happiness! Thats huge! Think about it. It's not your job or responsibility to make your other happy. Nor is it theres to make you happy. If you're not happy with yourself, you can't expect someone else to MAKE you happy. Sure, our significant others DO tend to make us smile but lets face it, if you're not happy with them and the person they are..then don't stay. Don't marry them expecting them to transform and the relationship to transform. For all your problems to go away. Because theyre just that..YOUR problems. When you can make you happy, nothing else matters. AND no one is happy 100% of the time. No one. But you should be happy everyday...not ALL day everyday, but everyday you should feel happy. If not, talk to your doctor or re-evaluate your life choices.
5.)Don't get even.
Revenge is ugly. And two wrongs don't make it right. It's as easy as that.
6.) Be realistic.
If he doesn't have goals or share your religious values...or the same morals...or doesnt want kids, and you do. DON'T expect him to change. You can't change someone to fit the version of them in your head. And they shouldn't. Thats not fair to them.
7.) Think of the other persons feelings, put yourself in their shoes.
If what's coming out of your mouth would hurt YOUR feelings...and you're saying it to be hurtful then don't let it out. Just don't. If it's not helpful or uplifting.....keep it in. And if you DO have to say something that hurts just to be able to work it out and move forward...say it in the most gentle way you can.
8.) MONEY!
Don't hide it, lie about it or be unrealistic about it. Money is a HUGE reason for the divorce rate being SO high. Don't let paper ruin your marriage.
9.)NO RULES!
Do not set rules and boundaries for your other. Things like "Don't talk to so and so" or "Don't go to kjwwdfwef" OR any other stupid thing that shows you have no faith and trust in the other person. If you can't trust them to make the right decisions when their away...then what are you doing with them? If you can't stand to see them talk to a person of the opposite sex..even an EX..yeah..I said it...then thats YOUR problem. If they have done nothing at all to warrant you acting psycho, then DON'T. I know the green eyed monster tends to show up every now and then. And it's natural for your radar to go off every now and then. But if you dont give trust don't expect to get it.
10.) Get close to God and read your BIBLE!
God gives the VERY best relationship advice. Everything you could ever want to know about any situation is in there. It really is. And my married life went to a whole new level once Harlow and myself both fell in love with Jesus Christ. The closer we get to him and the more we read his word..the closer we get to each other.
11.) Get away from each other!
It's just not healthy to be with each other ALL the time. It's annoying. And don't expect your other to want to do all the same things as you. It's not only OK to have different interest but a GREAT thing. It's how you grow together and keep things interesting. The more you grow and learn and pursue different things the more you'll always have to talk about.
12.) Try new things together.
It may be fun...it may turn out awful. Either way you're bound to get a good story out of it.
13.) LOVE!
Sounds simple....but really love that person. Recognize that this is your husband or wife. God says women should be submissive to their husbands...and that husbands should love their wives as Jesus loves the church. Do you know how Jesus LOVES the church..he DIED for the church. Thats a whole lotta loving. Love that imperfect person as perfectly as you can. Recognize they have flaws just like you do. And recognize that out of all the people in the world, you are their favorite! They picked you!
14.) In Laws!!!!!
Realize that while you love your parents and siblings....you now have your very own family. And they come first. I've seen this be a tough pill to swallow. After you say "I do" you are now leaving your old household to start your own. And thats just that. Don't say stuff like "This doesn't taste like Moms"...unless you want to be eating AT your moms and maybe spending the night on her couch. Don't call your parents to ask their advice on decisions that you should be making with your spouse. I'll keep it simple....just keep your parents out of your marriage. Harsh...but it works. :)
15.) Expect bad times.
There will be rough times. There will be times when it looks like it would be easier to just quite. Times when you don't like each other. Times when you can't even stand to hear them chew. And thats when it can get tough. Thats when you remind yourself why you said "I do". You remind yourself that this person picked you...and they love you. And if worse comes to worse....sit down, alone..and picture you. Picture you divorced....picture actually doing it. Filing the papers, moving out...where will you go...will you miss them? How will you manage visitation with your children? Who will get what? Imagine them with someone else....your kids with a step parent. And if your heart can still take it...and you still want out. If you're past talking it out. Then i'm so sorry. But never let it get that far. I'm not completely against divorce by any means. But apart from infidelity and abuse...it CAN be saved. IF that scenario of divorce plays out in your head and still breaks your heart...if it doesnt send you crying and begging to talk it out....then go.
I hope i've helped someone in some way. This has been laying on my heart for about a week now. And I really feel like I was meant to get it out there for someone.
1.) DON'T POUT!
Pouting is for toddlers..there..I said it. Puffing up and pouting over something not going your way isn't helping anyone. It just makes you look silly and it SCREAMS "beg to me". No one wants to beg...your significant other is not a dog. And they are not your parent. Instead, openly discuss what has you hurt. In a non confrontational way.
2.) Put your spouse first!
I know you love your children. I love mine too. But they will grow up, get married and leave you to pursue their own families. And do you know who you'll be stuck with....thats right..your spouse. This goes into a whole slew of things...don't sleep with your kids. It's fine when theyre small..but don't put your husband out of HIS bed ladies. Come on now. Your bed should be your sanctuary..the place the two of you go to be close, intimate. Keep it sacred.
Don't neglect the others needs. When you start putting the other person first eventually they catch on. And what happens when both parties are putting the other persons needs before their own is selfless love and attention. And it's a beautiful thing. It doesnt happen over night. it does take practice and has to be MADE as a habit. It's natural for us to put our needs and our childrens needs first. But when you finally get the hang of it...it's amazing.
3.) Don't go to bed angry!
I know you've heard it! It's in the Bible. But there is some sense in the saying. No one wants to sleep with their backs to each other...and both of you are hurting. And God forbid something happen during the night that would prevent you from EVER speaking the words you know you need to. Just say you're sorry...even when you feel you're not wrong. Apologize for making THEM feel bad. Because you did. Even if you didn't mean to....even if it wasn't your intention, apologize.
4.)TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS!
I hate hearing people say "I try to make him/her happy"...geesh! That is a HUGE burden! To be responsible for someones happiness! Thats huge! Think about it. It's not your job or responsibility to make your other happy. Nor is it theres to make you happy. If you're not happy with yourself, you can't expect someone else to MAKE you happy. Sure, our significant others DO tend to make us smile but lets face it, if you're not happy with them and the person they are..then don't stay. Don't marry them expecting them to transform and the relationship to transform. For all your problems to go away. Because theyre just that..YOUR problems. When you can make you happy, nothing else matters. AND no one is happy 100% of the time. No one. But you should be happy everyday...not ALL day everyday, but everyday you should feel happy. If not, talk to your doctor or re-evaluate your life choices.
5.)Don't get even.
Revenge is ugly. And two wrongs don't make it right. It's as easy as that.
6.) Be realistic.
If he doesn't have goals or share your religious values...or the same morals...or doesnt want kids, and you do. DON'T expect him to change. You can't change someone to fit the version of them in your head. And they shouldn't. Thats not fair to them.
7.) Think of the other persons feelings, put yourself in their shoes.
If what's coming out of your mouth would hurt YOUR feelings...and you're saying it to be hurtful then don't let it out. Just don't. If it's not helpful or uplifting.....keep it in. And if you DO have to say something that hurts just to be able to work it out and move forward...say it in the most gentle way you can.
8.) MONEY!
Don't hide it, lie about it or be unrealistic about it. Money is a HUGE reason for the divorce rate being SO high. Don't let paper ruin your marriage.
9.)NO RULES!
Do not set rules and boundaries for your other. Things like "Don't talk to so and so" or "Don't go to kjwwdfwef" OR any other stupid thing that shows you have no faith and trust in the other person. If you can't trust them to make the right decisions when their away...then what are you doing with them? If you can't stand to see them talk to a person of the opposite sex..even an EX..yeah..I said it...then thats YOUR problem. If they have done nothing at all to warrant you acting psycho, then DON'T. I know the green eyed monster tends to show up every now and then. And it's natural for your radar to go off every now and then. But if you dont give trust don't expect to get it.
10.) Get close to God and read your BIBLE!
God gives the VERY best relationship advice. Everything you could ever want to know about any situation is in there. It really is. And my married life went to a whole new level once Harlow and myself both fell in love with Jesus Christ. The closer we get to him and the more we read his word..the closer we get to each other.
11.) Get away from each other!
It's just not healthy to be with each other ALL the time. It's annoying. And don't expect your other to want to do all the same things as you. It's not only OK to have different interest but a GREAT thing. It's how you grow together and keep things interesting. The more you grow and learn and pursue different things the more you'll always have to talk about.
12.) Try new things together.
It may be fun...it may turn out awful. Either way you're bound to get a good story out of it.
13.) LOVE!
Sounds simple....but really love that person. Recognize that this is your husband or wife. God says women should be submissive to their husbands...and that husbands should love their wives as Jesus loves the church. Do you know how Jesus LOVES the church..he DIED for the church. Thats a whole lotta loving. Love that imperfect person as perfectly as you can. Recognize they have flaws just like you do. And recognize that out of all the people in the world, you are their favorite! They picked you!
14.) In Laws!!!!!
Realize that while you love your parents and siblings....you now have your very own family. And they come first. I've seen this be a tough pill to swallow. After you say "I do" you are now leaving your old household to start your own. And thats just that. Don't say stuff like "This doesn't taste like Moms"...unless you want to be eating AT your moms and maybe spending the night on her couch. Don't call your parents to ask their advice on decisions that you should be making with your spouse. I'll keep it simple....just keep your parents out of your marriage. Harsh...but it works. :)
15.) Expect bad times.
There will be rough times. There will be times when it looks like it would be easier to just quite. Times when you don't like each other. Times when you can't even stand to hear them chew. And thats when it can get tough. Thats when you remind yourself why you said "I do". You remind yourself that this person picked you...and they love you. And if worse comes to worse....sit down, alone..and picture you. Picture you divorced....picture actually doing it. Filing the papers, moving out...where will you go...will you miss them? How will you manage visitation with your children? Who will get what? Imagine them with someone else....your kids with a step parent. And if your heart can still take it...and you still want out. If you're past talking it out. Then i'm so sorry. But never let it get that far. I'm not completely against divorce by any means. But apart from infidelity and abuse...it CAN be saved. IF that scenario of divorce plays out in your head and still breaks your heart...if it doesnt send you crying and begging to talk it out....then go.
I hope i've helped someone in some way. This has been laying on my heart for about a week now. And I really feel like I was meant to get it out there for someone.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Why you CAN'T be the parent you always imagined you'd be.
"What are we doing wrong?" Harlow asked me tonight at the kitchen table. I've got to admit it's been one of our roughest days with the kids. My reply.."I really want to spend more time with them..but they're just SO mean!" It's so sad...and so true.
When I was pregnant with Natalie I pictured all the wonderful things we would do together. What a wonderful mother i'd be for her. I pictured us cuddling on the couch watching Disney movies. I pictured us having tea parties in the living room. I pictured her sitting in the tub washing her dolls hair as I blissfully and gently washed hers. What I DIDN'T picture was a daughter who would fight with her brothers over where they would sit on the couch for half the movie and throw popcorn. OR for her to break half of her lovely antique tea set by throwing it in her toy box. OR a child who absolutely LOATHES having her hair washed. The reason I can't be the mother I imagined for her is because she's not the child I imagined.
No one pictures having children who misbehave. No one actually dreams of a son who pees on you in the middle of worship at church! No one pictures that they will fight and scream and at times make you feel like taking a good week long vacation from them. No...no one ACTUALLY pictures the REALITY of parenting. That it's not going to be like a sitcom. That sometimes instead of a movie on the couch with the family you're going to get a wrestling match that rivals pay per view WWE(Thats still a thing...right?). But here we are....with these children..these children who are truly OURS. Not imaginary make believe ones. I mean really....where's the line for the children who are always well behaved and never back talk?
I think that to become truly AMAZING parents we have to become the best parents we can be for the children we have. Mean and all! And accept that family time isn't always going to be warm and fuzzy....but does it really have to be? Won't these beautiful creatures look back and see parents who really tried and loved them? And I bet these memories will look VERY different to them. And isn't that the whole point? To make memories.
And you can't know how to protect and love a child until you truly know them. Each is different...with different needs. Until we step away from the cookie cutter image of what a family is "supposed" to look like can we really love our own for the way it is. So what if we don't hang Christmas lights? So what if my kids swimming in the Baptistry (Oh yeah...that happened!), so what if ...just SO WHAT. From now on I vow to just go with it....hope for the best and give them all I have. And love them even more when they're really unlovable. AND Thank God he made them cute!
When I was pregnant with Natalie I pictured all the wonderful things we would do together. What a wonderful mother i'd be for her. I pictured us cuddling on the couch watching Disney movies. I pictured us having tea parties in the living room. I pictured her sitting in the tub washing her dolls hair as I blissfully and gently washed hers. What I DIDN'T picture was a daughter who would fight with her brothers over where they would sit on the couch for half the movie and throw popcorn. OR for her to break half of her lovely antique tea set by throwing it in her toy box. OR a child who absolutely LOATHES having her hair washed. The reason I can't be the mother I imagined for her is because she's not the child I imagined.
No one pictures having children who misbehave. No one actually dreams of a son who pees on you in the middle of worship at church! No one pictures that they will fight and scream and at times make you feel like taking a good week long vacation from them. No...no one ACTUALLY pictures the REALITY of parenting. That it's not going to be like a sitcom. That sometimes instead of a movie on the couch with the family you're going to get a wrestling match that rivals pay per view WWE(Thats still a thing...right?). But here we are....with these children..these children who are truly OURS. Not imaginary make believe ones. I mean really....where's the line for the children who are always well behaved and never back talk?
I think that to become truly AMAZING parents we have to become the best parents we can be for the children we have. Mean and all! And accept that family time isn't always going to be warm and fuzzy....but does it really have to be? Won't these beautiful creatures look back and see parents who really tried and loved them? And I bet these memories will look VERY different to them. And isn't that the whole point? To make memories.
And you can't know how to protect and love a child until you truly know them. Each is different...with different needs. Until we step away from the cookie cutter image of what a family is "supposed" to look like can we really love our own for the way it is. So what if we don't hang Christmas lights? So what if my kids swimming in the Baptistry (Oh yeah...that happened!), so what if ...just SO WHAT. From now on I vow to just go with it....hope for the best and give them all I have. And love them even more when they're really unlovable. AND Thank God he made them cute!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Misconceptions of my youth...a post for the uhhmm young and dumb.
1.) Health insurance! Enjoy it while Mom and Dad pay for it. Because as soon as you reach that golden age, 18 if you're not in college..and 21 if you are... IN SOME CASES not all. All at once you discover that you actually have to PAY for doctors visits and medicine. And they don't come cheap. I think one of my most terrifying moments was in 2008 when Harlow was laid off and we were both without coverage for 6 months. I avoided sick people like they were lepers! AND when you do have it..you get to learn that even though you're paying upwards of 300.00 a month in our case for a family YOU still have to shell out whats called a co-pay. You get to learn ALL about 80/20's and 90/10's. And you no longer run to the doctor for sinus infections and colds. You gotsta be dying before you'll do it when you're old. THIS is why your parents rarely go to the doctor.
2.)Cars/Car payments! When I was 16 I wanted my Dad to buy me a new car. He said no and I argued that the payment couldn't be more than 300.00 a month and I would pay for it with my little part time job. I am laughing RIGHT now. What I didn't understand was interest..that my 15,000.00 car would turn into a 30,000.00 car...that my car would require full coverage insurance($$$$ for a 16 year old girl), tags, title, licensing...NOT to mention care and upkeep. Cars require maintenance...tire charges, oil changes, fluids of all sorts. Driving is NOT cheap. Take what you get for free...if your parents ARE kind enough to GIVE you a car...even if it's a clunker! And LOVE them for it.
3.)Renting/Mortgage! This was a particularly tough lesson for me. Anyway,lets say you see an apartment for rent for 200.00 a month. That seems cheap on your 18 year old salary from working part time. You start to think your parents are just cheap or tight wads. The things you do NOT know...and FYI $200.00 was an example..you are NOT going to find a place to live..at least not a place you want to live, for 200.00 a month. So, lets say rent is 200.00, and then you have your electric bill 100.00, water 15.00, garbage 15.00, cable 50.00, phone/internet 100.00. SO..now your apartment is 480.00 a month. Still..not too bad. Where you going to get furniture? Groceries? Cleaning supplies? Not even shower curtains are free my young friends. AND you still got your cell phone...your car...your car insurance...you with me yet?
4.)I will get to sleep as much as I want when i'm an adult!! HAHAHAHAHA! Sleep now....A LOT! Because when you have a job to get to instead of school....the worst that can happen is not detention. You get fired...then how are you going to pay your bills? Hm? And later on, if you have children, you will never sleep again. NEVER!
5.) I will be able to eat whatever and whenever I want!! This one is actually true. You CAN eat McDonalds EVERY day if you want. You CAN go to Huddle House at 3 am if you want. But you are no longer in sports. You're not getting 30 minutes of PE everyday. Doesn't take a genius to realize what happens when you eat garbage and you don't move your booty. Cause you're at work all day paying for your car and your apartment. :)
6.)Work will be fun! HA! Maybe...depends on what you do, where you live, how much money you wish to make, if you deal with the public, if you deal with a boss, if you are in charge of other people, if you have to be at work at all. You get it. Thats real cute too.
7.)The value of a dollar. When your parents foot the bill, and depending on how you were raised, it's hard to put a lot of value on your daily needs. Clothes are not cheap and neither are your toys. Your iphone is expensive, your ipad is expensive, your laptop is expensive, your lunch at school costs your parents 30.00 a month. You getting it? Now..what if YOU had to pay for it. You'd start valuing your belongings and the belongings of others a lot more. It's different when YOU'RE the one working like crazy to buy this stuff. A bag of KRAFT cheese costs 8.00 at Walmart. Some people in our area only make 6.50 an hour. They have to work OVER an hour to buy that bag of cheese.
These are just a few of the SHOCKING things that happen when you reach that magic number of 18. Go hug your parents. Go tell them you love them. If they provided you with just half of whats on this list, they love you and you are blessed beyond measure. Enjoy being young and dumb....*evil voice* while you can!!
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